I've Always Been Gay

Being out as a sapphic bisexual-ish trans woman, I am now just realizing that I’ve always been this way. I have always fit in more with the girls growing up, even if I may have been socialized as a boy, raised as boy, and thought at one point that I was a man (also brainwashed into thinking you have to be straight or you face eternal conscious torment). It is clear that I never really fit into boyhood or manhood. Yes, femboys exist and so do soft men and part of my egg-cracking was playing into the femboy aesthetic and :3 personality (part of which is still part of my aesthetic/personality)

“In the academic journal Porn Studies, Emerald Vaught sees femboys as encompassing both effeminate cisgender men and, despite this lack of corporeal femininity, bottoming trans women” - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Femboy

I feel have loved, crushed on, and yearned for women in a sapphic way over a “masculine” way my whole life. The way I would look at my ex-partner of 14 years was in a gay way; my gaze suggesting the undercurrent of my simmering gender identity and the tender love we shared an unnamed wlw relationship.

People knew I was queer way before I even understood. The bullies knew. The f-slur was a common way to refer to me in 6th grade by all the other boys. I liked guys and gals but I repressed my feelings for guys while feeling guilty about it.

I tried to be “manly” for my ex and for society at large for a while. What’s funny is that I also realize now that I was doing those things in also a gay or tomboyish way and not really a “manly” way.

As I waded through the experience that is realizing one is trans, I learned that cis heteronormative life wasn’t what I had in mind. More like the the lesbian dream of a cat, a Subaru, a cozy apartment or house together. No white-picket fence and 2.5 kids for this one. I knew I was queer as early as high school and it took until I was in my mid 20’s to come out slighly (but gender stuff didn’t get realized until around 2020 and moreso 2023). So while the story of how the relationship between my ex-wife and I ended is for another time and place (and maybe not for the internet tbh), being happy has never been as effortless as it has been with my current partners. I hope to be in a polycule housing situation in the future lmao. Love is unlimited.

Nowadays, my feelings are more complex; I often refer to myself as a bisexual person but the truth is I’m closer to a lesbian than anything. It also helps that the label is gender/romantic-affirming. Gorls are hot and cool and sweet and beautiful and cute and strong. Guys can be too but it’s much rarer as men in general aren’t as much my thing.

A lot of my feelings changed when I started dating in t4t relationships or having platonic friends who were also transfem and there a lot of my feelings around romantic/sexual attraction were realized. I love women and I have crushes on several guys so I guess we’ll see what happens.

Finally starting to live my life in my thirties is both insane and the best feeling ever. It’s a bit crazy that it took this long for me to realize the things about myself I know now. Being poly, queer, trans, a puppy-girl, and a romantic lesbian is just such an amazing aspect that both my ex and my current partners allowed me to explore before I realized a lot of things. Thank goodness for one of my current partners who in a lot of ways completes me and makes me feel seen. Some of the qualities that my ex had were “complete-me” qualities but some of them were just… not. And parts of me wish they were. It would be simpler that way and cute. But the reality is, no one person is going to complete me. I love my current partners and I loved my ex but that doesn’t make me a complete person. I make me a complete person. The love I have to give is unlimited. If ppl want to betray it, like my ex did then that’s on them. If ppl want to give to it and feed it and love it I’ll complete it and be one with it.

I care deeply and I love deeply. My heart yearns to cuddle, be cute, and be sweet. I’m gay and proud and I hope to make the cutest ppl proud of me. I hope to be a source of joy, sweetness, coziness, silliness, and stimulating conversation for whoever joins my path.